“He’s a hunk.”
I take a loud gulp from my almost empty tequila on the rocks.
“Did you say hunk?” My lady friend chuckles a bit.
“I think his name is Ben, and he’s married,” she says.
“Well, I don’t give a shit about that. He’s not for me, he’s for the blog.”
Just like that, one drunken night, I forgot to take my birth control, and it happened. In that dark, hazy oasis perched on East Sixth Street, the brain child for the ongoing series on my blog, Miss Austin, was conceived — better known as, Hunk of the Week and Babe of the Week. I knew I was on to something that night, the tequila told me so. In my mind, a declarative statement was made. Attractive, interesting guys and gals should know they’re attractive and interesting, and I’m going to tell them so. Shameless, and probably embarrassing on my end, but I didn’t give a shit. If nothing else, I’ll assist all the starving ladies in our little city get a good man meat meal, and I’ll help all the quality man meat out there see more titties. As a lifelong member of Southside Chichonas*, there is one thing I know: all one needs to survive are titties and tequila — that’s proven science. This is genius!
I had been blogging for Miss Austin for a whole two weeks. I was the one and only employee of Miss Austin, as Miss Austin. Here I am at an East Side bar, curiously, not creepily (I hope) staring at the men and women strutting by, knowing I wanted to put these people on a pedestal, my kind of pedestal, made of churro grease, smashed tequila bottles and dick jokes. This would be a proper praise of the highest compliment — I think you are interesting and attractive. I know this because I’m an expert.
I have a fondness for people who claim to be experts, or the World’s Best, or World Famous. What makes someone an expert, or the world’s best? Did you spend all day upstairs reading for free, concentrating on one subject at Book People? Is your body immune to Valtrex? Did you ace all your basics at ACC? What is it? Or, is it just one person saying, “Hey, this salsa is delicious. I’m labeling this article ‘World’s Best Hot Sauce’!” Yes, I think that might be it. Well, hell, if there is such a thing as a dating expert — don’t even get me started on that shit — I sure as hell can be an expert on picking out Hunks and Babes. Done. Congratulations, Jodie Holland, or, uh, Miss Austin! You are now an expert on Hunks and Babes. So says me.
Ben wasn’t the first person I asked, but he is the only person who has hesitated.
Every other Hunk and Babe I have asked since that night over a year ago have been so welcoming, and I think, a little flattered. The inner Abuelita in me gets great pleasure from seeing these strangers fight the smile you get when someone tells you they like you. That little curled lip and shy eye. Sure, this is all done in fun, and most people get it. I’m not writing for the New York Times Times after all — the questions aren’t hard-hitting journalism. They are simple Q&A’s regarding a common denominator, the love for our little city, and what gives you that tingle in your day to day. Relationships, sex, friendships are all covered, as they should. There is nothing off limits, and I encourage liquor to be consumed while answering the questions. This makes for filthy, loud answers, and I love it filthy and loud.
As a Hunk and Babe expert, it is my duty to ask the questions people want to know. Two questions you will always see on the Hunk and Babe interview are, “What is your deal breaker?” and “What is your deal maker?” I take it back, this is hard-hitting journalism. Don’t you want to know what to do and what not to do in relationships? Let’s face it, we all want to get laid, that’s unanimous. I’m here to help. I’ll do what I can to assist. If nothing else, these answers will sure as hell make you laugh. Here are some of my favorites from past Hunks and Babes:
What is your deal breaker?
“Once I had a dude read me the bible after sex. It was some passage about how premarital sex is a sin. I
felt like Monica Bellucci in Irreversible.”
“Excessive cat keeping.”
“Dudes with big shoulders and tiny legs (the inverted triangle look).”
“Girls with too much shit on their face.”
“Constant gum chewers.”
” Weird tans, religious zealotry, uber hipsters, and having no idea.”
“I hate the guys who have a shtick with their clothing/accessories. Your corn cob pipe makes you look
What is your deal maker?
“A constitution so paradoxical, it makes for insta-boner, i.e. vegan hunters, tattooed montessori
“If you have a good laugh, I will follow you anywhere.”
“When I first met the woman who would eventually become my wife, she met me at a happy hour
wearing a T-shirt that read, ‘I’m so happy I could shit.’”
Hunk of the Week and Babe of the Week are honors reserved for the elite of the city. Ok, maybe not the
elite. Just the people who have either made me laugh, or made me lick my chops, or both. Either way, if
I appoint you a Hunk or a Babe, it pretty much means I want to hang out with you and get drunk.
*Chichona: A hot tamale with large breasts.
Written by Jodie Holland
Feature image by Brian Bruner